Sometimes....

There are times when tiredness shows in yours/mine/our eyes. We get upset by each other by small issues and we pushed the blame from ourselves. Tears threatening to fall yet swallowed back down the throat because we know we want a happy ending; not a sad one. Sometimes I feels so tired I will ask myself, 'Is it worth it? All this makes my heart breaks. I could be better alone.' The days oversea I asked you 'Is it fun?' your reply 'it was okay'.. Heartbreaking to hear and know that we are not enjoying each other's company like I thought we will. You complained that I am always dampening your mood because I was super tired at night and dragging myself to accompany you for late night shopping with a black face, pardon me but I am super duper tired. You complained that I am always angry over a small stuff and I always have excuse for it. You complained that I never go to the places that you wanted to go or buy for you the things you want; but it wasn't in the plan or we have got budget; which is not your forte/interest. For all the itineraries installed we have visited it all and you have agreed in the first place. I have asked your opinion and you agreed, so what happened? =(

To start with, you merely told me you can go on holiday weeks before the trip and full stop. All planning, all the booking, all other things were done by me for you. Trying to settle my leave to accomodate yours, trying to liaise with your friend who in the end delayed all the booking. So many phone calls and discussion and planning, you just say and I hve got it done but yet I did not feel that you appreciated my efforts, all being brushed off by 'I do not know what to do' and it spared you from all the hard works.

I listened to you negative comment of me not being the perfect one for you. How I make you teared and why do I have to treat you so badly compared to my ex(s). It sets me thinking that maybe we are not right for each other at all. I keep having excuses for being angry and you being totally upset and not forgiving at all. A mere statement of 'couldn't you give in to me' set the fireball rolling. And the same things starts all over again the next day you say I am being petty again. I am tired so are you, we were just tired.

What can I do to make things work when we do not have the same direction, thinking and solution? I need help probably.. I feel so helpless and choked with tears, it is threatening the bright path.

It get worse when I am not assured of having a future with him. When people mentioned us becoming an item, he will brush off by saying 'No la, we are still so young' I get cautioned, confused and concerned about what he meant by saying that. It is not good to hear though. He's young while I am not.

I just wanted to vomit all unhappiness out. you may or may not see this entry. Photos at facebook soon~

Cake