In the time of crisis

In the time of crisis, I realise I have no idea who to turn to. I am so used to facing everything alone, or was I feeling the lost of courage to even communicate with everyone I care for? I am so cautious of how I sound to others; desperate? sympathy? detesting? I don't want to experience it all again. Being the one everyone is avoiding is bad. I am still living in the shadow of it.

I have never asked, how am I rated as a friend to others, as a bestie to others. How do they rate me? Important? partially important? or? I know I can be over-sensitive all the time but I need to understand I am someone of value to appreciate. Someone they care for and wants to know what I am doing. Should I initiate?

What is the limit for us to behave between friends' other better half? What is the definition of over? I am confused or am I being too petty? I feel uneasy to see him behaving this way but told myself to not think too much into it. I remember him telling me "It's ok right, there's nothing going on between us" but is it really ok for me? Why do I still feel that he has the urge to still play while it's only because of me that he's tamed down. Or perhaps it is only in my presence that he do so, to calm the paranoid me? How will you feel if you were me? Suddenly, I feel so insecure. Is it the age gap playing the devil? Seriously I feel that I had enough of it.

Let him be, let him be if fun is only thing he wants in life right now, while I looked forward to other things. I thought he was mature enough but I begin to think that's my wishful thinking. Twice or more occasion, he urged and asked me I wouldn't rush him for anything right and guess how hurt that was. My answer, yes I wouldn't, hear my heart falling to pieces.

The only place I can be true to myself is here. The only thing he does not know and I hope it be just a space for myself to be myself. Over pessimism is bad, this will serve as a reminder to look things at the brighter side.

Hello the old me,
Kate